The Dreamer

I just had a breakthrough. . . No, really,  I did. I suppose I could be considered one of those ones who views this very PUBLIC blog as a private therapy session, but I digress.

Before I get to my emotional breakthrough, I must provide a little history. (Don't worry, nothing as in-depth as the history of potato farming, though probably just as boring.) The past two years have pretty much been an emotional roller coaster for me. Lots of things went wrong, some things went right, but mostly it was wrong. And to be completely honest, when I tell my woeful tale to those less emotionally driven than me, they hardly see the problem. . .Which leads me to my breakthrough.
Upon researching Carl Jung's personality profiles for a leadership class I took last semester, I discovered my personality is INFP. To sum that up in one word -- feeling. I, as an INFP, think and lead with my heart and my feelings, not my brain. I have known this about myself for quite some time, but, just bear with me.

An INFP wants to make the world, or their world, a better place. Not just by recycling (which I am horrible at) or having floors made out of bamboo or whatever, but by making people feel good about who they are because that's what we (INFPs) want for ourselves.

• We are intuitive about people's feelings (my spiritual gift is discernment. Coincidence? Don't think so).

• We are generally thoughtful and considerate of others.

• Because we feel so deeply, we view our "work" as more than work. It is a cause, literally, that we can put our whole selves into. If our heart is it in, our brains will follow.

• We desire AUTHENTIC and deep relationships.

• We are loyal to the people and to the causes we believe in.

• We develop and adhere to a strong value system.

• We are fairly laid back and flexible, until we feel our "core values" have been compromised. Then we can become aggressive "defenders" until the "wrong" has been righted.

• And we want to be seen and appreciated for who we are, not who someone else wants us to be.

This brings me to my breakthrough. . .

I was in a job that did not end well. The whole time I was in this job, my hair fell out in great clumps, I didn't sleep or eat well, and I was on edge -- almost always. I can attribute this to several things about my personality that just didn't mesh with the situation. To sum up my values, I'll quote Micah 6:8 from the Message: "Do what is fair and just, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously. Take God seriously."

Fair and just. 

I will contend to the day that I die, that I was not treated fairly in a particular job. That. . . is a HUGE deal. I don't have to be "liked". I don't have to be "understood". I'm an out-of-the-box kind of girl, and that's cool with me. But, I do want to be treated with respect, and I feel that I was not. That has shaken me to my very core. I tried to aggressively defend what I think is right, but failed. Those close to me tried as well, and to no avail. So, to my highly "sensitive" and feelings-oriented self, this was a severe blow. A severe wrong that has yet to be righted. Not even ATTEMPTED to be made right. I'm sure those involved don't even think about me anymore, so the fact that anything "wrong" was done, is a foreign idea to them.


I will also contend that I was not appreciated for who I was. Everyday was a constant reminder of just who I was NOT. It was perpetual examining of my shortcomings to be that person and not an encouragement of who I was. Nothing I can do or could have done, will ever make me someone other than who I am. Well, I probably could work at pretending to be someone different, but I would just make myself miserable as that goes against being authentic with other people.

By the time this job ended, I was ready to walk away from everything that I thought I knew and believed to be true. Every.thing. And I mean absolutely EVERYTHING. I couldn't be honest with some people about this, so this perpetuated my lack of authenticity which I so desperately need (to give and receive). It has been an incredibly vicious cycle.

The wounds run deep. I feel deeply, probably more deeply than most. Things are funnier to me. Most days, it doesn't take much to make me happy. And, conversely, things hurt me more than they do most. Insensitivity to the pain and betrayal I felt (feel) and deep desire to make it right just served to push me away and closer to leaving it all behind.


. . .that is my breakthrough. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I was still so angry and so hurt over this. But, Carl Jung, you have proved to be the switch to my light bulb. Thank you. . . I still have this deep, deep longing that those involved would just listen long enough to know what happened, but will most likely have to come to terms with the fact that they will not.

"He has told you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? But to live justly, love kindness and to walk humbly with your God". Micah 6:8 (ESV)