A.D. H. . .oh, I know this song!

Sometimes I wonder. . . About everything. The past. The present. The future. So many people say you have to choose your own future, others say God will show you. I feel like mine is both. I choose the options I am given. I don’t have big dreams. I want to (truly) act justly, love love and recognize my place in my relationship with God. I don’t love love. I hate love. I haven’t seen anyone LOVE anyone. Husbands act selfishly to their wives. Mothers and fathers act selfishly to their children. Children grow up repeating the cycle. I hate it. I don’t want any part of it. . . but. . . my soul longs for it. My soul longs to be shown patience, kindness, selflessness. I long to be patient and kind and not rude or self-seeking. I can’t. I’m not. I have moments of patience or kindness or selflessness, but they are not a part of my daily life. I want them to be, but I absolutely suck at it. It seems the harder I “try” the worse I am.  

I don’t feel as though I’ve run from God. If God is omnipresent, then I cannot possibly EVER run. Preachers, speakers, pastors, whatever -- they’ll say “Run back to Jesus. He’s waiting with open arms”. . . I disagree. Not about the open arms part. But, no matter how far I stray from his promises, his plan for my life, or his teachings, he is still beside me. Next to me, hemming me in. I don’t have to run anywhere. I merely have to acknowledge his presence. 

As one who feels absolutely certain of a career in ministry, people don’t like to hear me say that I don’t “feel” God. It scares the crap out of them. GOOD. People need to be scared. In fear there is humility. And in humility there’s a big BIG God. No matter what I’ve done, what I’ve said, or will continue to stubbornly do, my salvation is planted firmly. When I am living truly in the way God wants, the only difference I see is a peace that goes way deep down to the core of me. His presence is the same. His promise is the same. His love is the same. I am only able to recognize it when I allow myself to. 

Bottom line: yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of making decisions that impact others detrimentally. I’m not scared of falling or failing. I’m scared of taking out others with me. God’s not afraid of my fear. My fear does not take away from my faith. I can trust in God’s promises and still be petrified. I don’t buy into this crap that if you trust then you shouldn’t be afraid. I can trust that the end will be for God’s good, but I can still be scared of what I’m going to have to do to get to the end. Jesus was scared of his impending death. He experienced pain, rejection, humiliation. His fear did not stop him, because his fear could not stop God’s power -- or plan. My fear will not stop me. 

Most of my battle is showing up. I don’t have to be brave or happy for God to use me. I just have to be willing. I’m willing. I don’t have to love everyone for God to use me. That’s the goal -- but, that’s why we have sanctification. I cannot love those I love much less those I can’t stand. But. Love is not a feeling. It is action. When my actions defy my feelings, God is glorified. I don’t care what anyone says. Granted, I suck at this, too. But, if we’re really honest with ourselves, don’t we all? 

That’s the problem. Honesty and authenticity are a dying art. I can honestly say that I am moody, at times selfish and childlike, throw temper tantrums; I am opinionated and often vocal without concern for others. I will go out of my way to help you if I can. I don’t care if I ever get credit for anything good I do but  I can’t stand to see people who did nothing act like they did everything. I love a *real* hug when someone is happy to see me or sad to leave. I don't understand why I don't like lettuce or coffee, but I don't. And I am grateful for a grace that I cannot comprehend.